News in Brief

From The Onion: Noisy Upstairs Neighbors Wake Man At 3 P.M. SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA—The inconsiderate residents of the apartment above Jim Bracker, 23, woke him from a sound slumber several minutes before 3 p.m. Monday. “Christ, quit with the…

Read More

News in Breif

From The Onion: 7-Year-Old Loses Respect For Shrek After Seeing Him In Burger King Commercial KANSAS CITY, MO—Cale Parnell, 7, said Monday that he no longer holds Shrek in high regard, ever since the green ogre started appearing in TV…

Read More

News In Brief

From Wednesday’s The Onion: Architect Asks Self How Le Corbusier Would Have Designed This Strip Mall TOPEKA, KS—Architect Curtis Winter, designer of the planned Fox Plaza strip mall in downtown Topeka, found himself wondering Monday how influential 20th-century architect Le…

Read More

News in Brief

From The Onion: New Alternative-Fuel SUV Will Deplete World’s Hydrogen By 2070 DETROIT—Ford announced a Sept. 3 rollout date for its new Ford Foresight, a hydrogen-powered SUV that, if it reaches sales projections, will deplete the earth’s supply of hydrogen…

Read More

News in Brief

From The Onion: Leno’s Voicemail Message Pauses For Laughter LOS ANGELES—Tonight Show host Jay Leno’s home outgoing voicemail message stops briefly to allow for audience laughter, sources reported Monday. “You have reached the home of Mavis and Jay Leno, and…

Read More

No Fire for Me

I’ve joined the Ruminator in excaping damnation. Now, I take this very lightly, I don’t believe in purgatory, or in different levels of hell (if you have scriptural evidence that shows I’m wrong, I welcome it). Purgatory denies the completed…

Read More

News in Brief

From the Onion Bush Posts Classified Ad For 90,000 Troops WASHINGTON, DC—In an effort to relieve the burden on his overextended armed forces in Iraq, President Bush placed a four-line classified ad in the Monday edition of 75 U.S. newspapers.…

Read More