News in Brief

From The Onion: Dollar Losing Value Against The Quarter NEW YORK—After falling 6 percent in the past three weeks, the U.S. dollar hit a 208-year low against the U.S. quarter, which had been valued at exactly 0.25 dollars since its…

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From The Onion Scientist Has Nagging Feeling He Left Particle Accelerator On CHICAGO—University of Chicago particle physicist Matthew Sharp drove halfway home before he was struck with the fear that he’d left the Argonne Tandem Linac Accelerator System running Tuesday…

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From The Onion: Teen Learns The Negligible Value Of A Dollar ASHLAND, WI—After earning $5 for mowing his family’s half-acre lawn, 13-year-old Andrew Mink learned the negligible value of a dollar at the town’s sporting-goods store Sunday. “Pops dropped me…

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From The Onion: Leftover Christmas Billboard Stirs Seasonally Inappropriate Emotion ST. LOUIS—Local architect Steve Burillo felt a momentary flush of seasonally incongruous holiday spirit Tuesday when he saw a Christmas-themed billboard on South Broadway. “The sign was advertising the St.…

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